Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters

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One parent, who is co-parenting at a distance after leaving an abusive partner, can have the final word: “In a nutshell, it’s been both the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn’t change it for the world and am such a better parent for it.” Resources for separated parents Some of these arguments, Harrison says, have a “playfulness”; they become more about expressing our individuality than the apparent subject. I can see how that might be, when you’ve lived with someone so long that your mind meld is total and you can look at a passing cat, both be reminded of the same minor incident in 2003, and then by some circuitous thought process say out loud, simultaneously: “We need more plasters.” We exert our independent existences by disagreeing about the correct place to store ketchup (the bin). FALSE “In fact, they always come down to one thing: communication,” says Harrison. “Money and sex are taboo subjects in many families, and we all bring our family baggage to any relationship. But the issues aren’t about these things per se, they’re about being able to talk about these things – and everything else that matters.” It’s always obvious when a relationship is over

What is crucial is that you hold on to respect for one another, as you move through this process. Matthew Fray, couples coach and author of This is How Your Marriage Ends, put it like this: “What is best for my child, without question, is that their parents are the best, healthiest people they can possibly be. Therefore, loving my child effectively requires love and care for their other parent. Trying to help them achieve whatever the best version of themselves is. Love doesn’t have to mean romantic love. Love can mean respect and care.” Engage together with the boundaries you want around phones and social media rather than getting irritated about it all the time. For example, some people find it helpful if their partner signals how long they are planning to spend on their phone. And we offer support and solidarity to parents over at the Facebook community I run, The Village – A Parenting Community for Humans ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/visforvillage) Jo believes there are five distinct issues that all couples have to work through if they are going to have a healthy, functioning relationship – inspiring her to write her new book Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have and Why The Washing Up Matters. FALSE There are many kinds of affair, and this, says Abse, is key. “An affair can be an exit strategy, sure. But it can also be a protest – a way of bringing your partner’s attention to something that isn’t working for you in the relationship. If it’s that kind of affair, and you can work through why it happened with your partner, you can move on from it – providing apologies are given, reparations are made and forgiveness is forthcoming.” If you’re having bad sex with someone in the beginning, why would you want to carry on? A relationship is stronger if you share a bedYou might desperately want things to feel settled, but there are lots of new things to put in place. So slow down. It’ll take time (one to two years) for things to feel more resolved so allow yourself space for that. But even the most ordinary arguments often mask feelings of greater significance. “Our deeper fears and frustrations, and the things we may find it difficult to express openly with each other can often express themselves in the domestic world,” writes Harrison. A row can be about the washing up, and also serve as part of an ongoing negotiation of the whole relationship. Most fights are horrible, but these entry-level spats, if you will, feel manageable. Buoyed by Harrison’s encouragement, I currently have five of my own, in various stages of their life cycle, on the go. I’m not sure what deeper truths they express, but they are: My experience of working with these tensions (tensions also familiar to me from my own relationship and those of my friends) inspired my recent book Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have And Why The Washing Up Matters in which I suggest that rather than thinking arguments are to be avoided at all costs, some arguments can offer the relationship the potential to grow, because they flag up issues that need attention.

Couples can underestimate the impact that they have on each other as they switch between states of being together and being independent. Different attitudes to socialising, arguments about someone being on their phone, a row when one person gets home are not just “over-reactions”; they may actually be expressions of deeper sensitivities that need airing. “Why are you always on your phone?” may be a way of saying “I miss you” or “I need your help”. Sex – a.k.a an argument that’s difficult to have Of course, arguments that put one or both of a couple at risk or are violent or hostile need professional attention. We know that such a climate of hostility can have significant negative outcomes for the mental health of children of parents who argue in that way. I wanted to look at the areas of tension I saw coming up again and again and to help couples resolve these issues more productively (also good for their children). Communication – a.k.a “you never listen to me” FALSE It’s not date nights that matter, says Harrison, it’s time together. So you don’t have to spend money or go out or have a treat (though that might be lovely). The bit your relationship needs is time shared as a couple: snuggled together on the sofa watching TV or a walk in the park can be every bit as good as a pricey meal out. A baby will jeopardise your relationshipTRUE “For most people, a satisfying sexual relationship is an important part of a good relationship,” says Susanna Abse, psychoanalytic therapist and author of Tell Me the Truth About Love: 13 Tales from Couple Therapy. “While sex may not be the most important thing, it’s certainly an indicator of chemistry, and it matters – especially at the start. Also, if you’re having bad sex with someone in the beginning, why would you want to carry on?” Your partner should know what you feel/need TRUE If an argument escalates to violence or one partner feeling unsafe, that’s wrong, and you need expert help. But as you learn the landscape of your partner, says Harrison, arguments show you’re working each other out. “You’re finding out what your partner is passionate about, and sharing that. So these disagreements are full of useful information about what matters to each of you. If couples stop talking about what they care about, and sometimes arguing about it, they can start to feel disconnected.” The ‘one’ is out there somewhere Bread goes in, not on, the bread bin. I have basically lost this. The bread bin is now a mere bread display unit (much as the biscuit tin is now just a hiding place for stuff I’m keeping to myself). Separation brings with it so many complexities, from the practical to the deeply emotional. There are resources and groups to help you navigate this time, including: Using sound advice and relatable case studies, Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have and Why The Washing Up Matters offers practical ideas and imaginative ways of putting ourselves and our partners first. It has been described as the ‘indispensable guide to re-thinking our relationships’ while Susie Orbach calls it ‘Marvellous first aid for couples’.